SOCIALIZATION AND THE SHY CHILD
{I’m also going to address the “over-mothering” issue (mentioned in part one) as it just seems to fit here.}
M is often on the receiving end of comments like these: “Why are you being so shy?!” “Come on, M! You know these kids!” “Stop being so shy! You’re just being silly!” I cringe every time I hear something like this said to him.
Being shy is not wrong. Being outgoing is not wrong. They are simply different ways of being. “Shy” does not automatically equal “unhappy”! (But hearing things like the above comments can certainly affect a shy child’s happiness and inner peace.)
When I was a child I heard similar comments pretty often. Not once did it make me feel more comfortable in the situation, or make me feel not shy. It only made me very self-conscious, and aware that it wasn’t ok with everyone for me to just be me.
Well-meaning people have told us that preschool will “help” M overcome his shyness. I suppose it could change his behavior, yes – but at what cost? There is something to be said for the child who chooses to observe and understand a situation before jumping into it. I’m not sure I want to “fix” this trait in M; it may serve him well throughout his life!
I’ve discovered a much easier way to help him become comfortable in new situations: listen to and respect his instincts.
In my opinion, this is how children learn to respect and value others. If we truly understand the dignity and intrinsic value of ourselves, we tend to recognize and appreciate the value of others! This really is the basis of true respect for others.
I have heard that you know if you are an introvert or an extrovert by how you relax and re-energize. Does it energize you to be at a party with friends, talking and having fun? Then you’re most likely an extrovert. Does it energize you to spend time alone, simply being by yourself and thinking or enjoying a hobby? Then you are probably an introvert.
For introverted children, being in large groups, while it may be fun, can also be very stressful. I’ve noticed that M’s “shyness” manifests itself in a variety of ways in large groups – he may be clingy, act really wild and hyperactive (definitely a sign he is feeling some stress), sometimes it even comes out as anger he can’t control. Why would I send him into, what for him is a stressful situation, without also providing him with the emotional security he needs? If, at 4 or 5 years old, he can’t depend on his mother for that security, to whom will he turn in order to find it? Isn’t that, in part, what mothers are for?
I don’t believe maturity can be rushed along, and I think it’s a mistake to try. My husband and I often comment on how kids are so different now than we were at that age. It seems like they are growing up more quickly, but never truly maturing. It’s my opinion that real maturity and true independence will naturally develop if the needs of children, appropriate to their development level, are met.
I think of what I do with M in new social settings as a sort of emotional “scaffolding”. Often, when I’m helping M learn something new, I’ll “scaffold” the activity for him, setting him up to succeed little by little until he has the skill or information mastered (I’ve talked about this in some of our preschool activity posts). Comfort with the material, and a few rungs of success behind him, give him much more confidence than simply forcing him to do something he’s not ready for.
For example, when we are starting a new class or activity, if he wants me to sit on the floor with him, I will. If something I can do will make him feel secure enough that he can forget himself and really get into what is going on around him, I do it. Eventually, his comfort in the environment and his level of confidence will increase; I can’t force this to happen, but I can create an environment in which it will happen naturally. At the right speed for him, I slowly move into the background. Being close to him during this time when he needs me also allows me to model correct behavior for him – listening to the leader, following directions, keeping my hands to myself (and reminding M of all this as necessary). If I didn’t do this, the insecurity and discomfort he would feel, would be his focus, and he would not really get anything out of the class or party or whatever it is.
Is allowing him the time to observe and get comfortable somehow smothering, giving too much attention, or coddling? Does it stem from a desire to keep him from growing up?
No. It’s simply allowing him to be himself and letting him depend on me for the safe place he needs for the time being; this is the foundation from which he can grow into a mature and independent person. You can’t learn and grow if you’re busy just trying to feel secure where you are.
As mothers, we don’t hesitate to take responsibility for meeting the physical and emotional needs of our infants. There’s a temptation, though, as they grow and get past that stage of total neediness, to feel that we just can’t wait for them to grow up. Sure, children want independence, and it’s great to teach them how to brush their own teeth, button their shirts, tie their shoes for themselves, etc. But are we expecting them to become emotionally independent too soon? I admit that sometimes I’ve just been tired of being needed! But thankfully I always come back to wanting what is truly best for M, even though it may take some effort and sacrifice on my part.
A reader recently recommended a book to me: Hold Onto Your Kids, by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. (Thank you, Claire!) I have just started reading it, but the basic premise of the book seems to be that children must be and need to be dependent on someone and feel emotionally attached to someone, hopefully one or both parents. If a child does not have that relationship with his parents, he will find it somewhere else – it is just that basic of a need. If a child has been allowed to depend on his parents to meet that need for attachment, he will not have such a strong need to find acceptance among his peers. In other words, he’ll be secure enough to be his own person. And yes, this is important even in early childhood.
Emotional and psychological independence, in time, will grow naturally from a secure foundation. It’s not something we have to rush along.
It’s not about “sheltering” or being over-protective. It’s about helping him grow up in a way that allows him to know himself and become a healthy adult who will influence his world instead of being influenced by it. And that is one of many wonderful things that I want for him.
Note: I will be out of town for the next couple of weeks, then on a little break, and so won’t get to part 4 (academics in preschool) until sometime in May. Other posts will (hopefully) be scheduled for my time away though, so keep reading! ;)
Have a beautiful day! :)
