Independence vs. “parental proximity” (a false dichotomy)

Since publishing this post about feeling possibly called to homeschool and yet potentially not being able to, I’ve received some emails from those of you who find yourselves in a similar situation.  My heart goes out to all of you, and this post is for you… to encourage you, comfort you while your convictions are questioned, and (if you want) to give you ideas of what to share with the people in your lives that, well, may simply think you are crazy. ;)

The general consensus amongst those of us in this situation seems to be that, hidden behind the ever popular “socialization” worries (which can be pretty easily refuted), is this idea that we really just don’t want our children to become independent… we are anxious, hovering mothers, who can’t “let go” of our babies. 

This frustrates me to no end because if all the people in my life truly knew what an introvert I am, and how much I value time to myself as well as peace and quiet, they might have an idea of just how hard it is for me to do what I am convinced is best for my child.  I am a very selfish, self-centered person, and it is a daily struggle, battle even, to do what I see as my vocation, and do it well. I am convinced, however, that joy and peace are found in doing what I feel is right instead of simply what I feel like doing.  The first path is based on thoughtful discernment, and the second is the one really based on emotion.

Sometimes our feelings about the education of our children do come out sounding emotional… due to an overwhelming sense that something just isn’t right, and the inability (on my part anyway) to spit out logical information in a detached way, without using that terrifying phrase, “I feel”.  I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to be detached emotionally from any topic that affects a member of my family… but I don’t necessarily see that as a weakness, just as part of who I am… if mothers weren’t the heart of their families, after all, where would the world be?  It doesn’t mean that everything we say and believe, while having an emotional component, should be completely disregarded as emotional drivel.  (I have to say I’m blessed to have a husband who listens to me {when I finally spell things out for him instead of hoping he can read my mind} and isn’t disrespectful in the least, but I know that isn’t the case with everyone’s husband or extended family members.)

It’s hard to be in a place where your motherly intuition is telling you what your child is and isn’t ready for, which style of education might be best for them, and which lifestyle might be best for your family; and yet to be misunderstood and not taken seriously by those around you who tend to see you as a hindrance to your child’s growth instead of seeing you as an advocate for the healthy growth of each individual child.  Personally, I think much of this stems from a general misunderstanding and lack of respect for the importance of motherhood in society today .  But that is another (very opinionated) post for another time. 

I like the encouragement David Guterson gives in his book, Family Matters: Why Home Schooling Makes Sense, as he comments on the affects school has on the parent/child relationship: 

“[The intuitive sense of parents that something isn’t right] is part of the growing alienation they feel from their children, who gradually become estranged from them as they become ever more deeply immersed in the universe of their school peers – an alienation parents erroneously conclude is a ‘natural’ part of their children’s growing up, a necessary prerequisite to their independent adulthood.  This distance, though, is far from natural, and the dismay parents feel about it ought not to be repressed.” (emphasis mine)

I recently came across a book titled, The Well-Adjusted Child: The Social Benefits of Homeschooling, by Rachel Gathercole.  In it she discusses this idea of “parental proximity” and why it’s not necessarily a bad thing.  In fact, it might be a good thing! Perhaps our current culture doesn’t understand because it views the family unit itself in a rather poor light.  I want to share some of what I’ve read with you, as I found it very encouraging and interesting. 

So enough blathering from me.  I will simply share a few quotes with you…

Rachel Gathercole quotes many homeschoolers – parents and children – in her book.  I think this quote from a homeschooling parent about peer dependence is a good one to start with… Independence from parents at too early of an age doesn’t necessarily lead to independence, but simply to dependence of another sort:

“… I believe the decay of family unity is at the heart of many of the social problems our culture is facing today.  Our culture is in a hurry to rush [little children] off to school, where they are placed in a room full of ten to twenty other little children with only one or two teachers.  Then parents are shocked and horrified when these same children, years later, have become completely peer dependent and cannot identify with their own family.  But peer dependence is the natural outcome of [this type of] education because a child has a real and intense need for relationship.  When that need for relationship cannot be met by an adult (a teacher who is working with many students), then the child will turn to the only other available person, the peer in the classroom.  Consequently, a child comes to value the opinions of his school-age peers more than those of his family… Our children are starving for meaningful relationships and will engage in all kinds of unhealthy activities and behaviors to fulfill that innate need for intimacy.  What a tragedy that we have divided the family for the sake of ‘education.’  Strong family relationships and unity are at the heart of healthy communities – the latter cannot exist in the absence of the former.” – Amy, homeschooling mother of three, upstate New York.

 

“School socialization, ultimately, is really just training for a school environment.  Family and community-based socialization, on the other hand, is preparation for family and community living (in other words, for real life).” – Gathercole, p. 178

 

Regarding independence Gathercole writes:

“The idea that early and abundant independence from parents is desirable may be part of an overall societal pressure on kids and parents toward early, forced independence… More and more research is showing, and parents are discovering, that strong attachment bonds between child and parents, not forced independence, creates happy children and healthy socialization. 

The idea that the kids need freedom from their parents at a young age seems based on the premise that parents are a ‘crutch,’ to be cast aside as soon as physically possible.  However, many homeschoolers believe that children need their parents directly available to them for much more of their childhoods than conventional schooling allows.  They want to teach their children what they consider to be healthy social skills, rather than send them to learn whatever skills they might happen to learn from their peers.  And they want themselves and their children to experience the closer family relationships that homeschooling seems to encourage.”

and

“First [children] must watch their parents model years and years of good decision-making, and they must observe their parents making the careful decisions that they believe are in the child’s (and whole family’s) best interests.  In this way the child can learn firstly, that he is worthy of taking care of and should thus take care of himself, and secondly, that just as his parents make decisions with the whole family’s best interests in mind, so, too, can and should he make decisions that take into account both his best interests and the best interests of others.  The family is the perfect, naturally-designed situation for learning these things.”

and

“… As kids do reach an age when they can handle and need greater independence, homeschool parents – who have already spent a great deal of time with their kids – are generally very willing to give them a healthily increasing amount of freedom and independence.”

Healthy independence just happens when it naturally should happen.  It does not need to be rushed into or forced.

She also writes this:

“Of course, children do need to be exposed to serious and meaningful things, and this can happen while children feel completely safe, carefree, and not under pressure to rely on their own social savvy before they are prepared to.  Childhood is a time in life when a person can be free and observe, take in, and learn about the world while living under the blanket of safety of parents who are in control and protect them.  Indeed, this may arguably be the very reason children have parents at all.”

And one last quote from another homeschooling mom:

“We all want our children to be able to face life challenges, peer pressure, and all the evils of the world with strength and integrity.  They have a much better shot at this if they have the time and support to develop and grow first.  Children cannot make wise choices until they have the perspective and information about themselves and what’s in front of them.  When they are young, they are mostly influenced by their environment.  It takes time for them to be able to understand an issue to be able to make judgments about it and to act in their own best interest and in the interest of others.

At each age there are things they can handle with wisdom and things they cannot.  Our schools inundate children with things they are not equipped to handle.  I want my children to experience age-appropriate amounts of challenge and difficult choice-making.  I want to help them think it through.  I want to control, to some extent, the amount of exposure they face to the challenges of peer-dominated cultural influences, because I believe that our country is assuming that children should be rushed to grow up, and it is hurting them.  They are toughening up to it but at a personal cost.  And that will cost us all.” – Janice, homeschooling mother of two, Durham, NC

 

The entire book is well worth reading, by the way, and I hope the little bit I’ve shared here motivates some of you to read it for yourself.  You can find it here.  It would be an excellent resource to hand to someone who has honest questions about the socialization of homeschooled children.

Have a beautiful day with your beautiful children!
Nicole :)

Kindergarten Blues

We are looking into registering M for kindergarten this fall at the private school associated with our church.

I can not stop crying.

A little word of advice to any husbands out there:  If your wife is very, very pregnant, and her first child is also getting ready to start kindergarten – this might be too much for her, especially if she is unsure that this is in his best interests.  Don’t send her out to get info, tour schools, or sign registration papers on her own.  She just might not be able to force herself to do it.  Regardless of how much you might think you are on the same page, there is no guarantee that a mama in this situation is not going to just flip to another page or switch to an entirely different book altogether.  And if she’s pregnant, don’t expect to get many coherent thoughts out of her when she’s in the middle of crying.  She might be the most practical, articulate, logical-thinking woman on the planet, but when you’re talking about taking her heart of our her chest and handing it over to someone else, you are not likely to get the most objective of responses.

I’m just sayin’.

So.  I’m not sure what I want the point of this post to be… maybe it’s just an opportunity to vent (code for: ramble on and on while I indulge in self-pity and defensiveness), or an attempt to think things through on virtual paper so I sound a bit more coherent than the usual “wah, wah, sob, sob… my baby!” that I’ve been doing of late.  If you can stick with me, your comments are welcome!

First of all, I believe with all my heart, that parents have a very serious God-given responsibility when it comes to the education of their children.  It is such a serious responsibility that they need to take time to figure out what their own thoughts, beliefs, and philosophy of education are, and then diligently seek out the best way of giving their child this sort of education.  It’s more than just saying, “Well, he’s six years old now, time to go to school!” and then sending him off.  It’s more than basing the decision of where to send him on something as simple as “do they have half-day or whole-day kindergarten?” or “do the start and end times work for our family and transportation?”.  These things might be important, but really, they shouldn’t be the whole basis of decision. If we are going to be held accountable for the education of a child’s mind, heart, and soul – and we are, I believe – then we’d better be pretty darn serious about the details of it.

(I am talking here, of course, about parents who have a choice in educating their children… unfortunately so many parents do not.  Thankfully we find ourselves in a current situation where we are able to choose to send M to a private school, public school, or home school.  I know the fact that we have a choice is a blessing in itself, but there’s still a responsibility to make the best choice possible.)

So, if and when we have thoughtfully (and prayerfully) made the huge decision to delegate this responsibility of educating our children to someone else, it’s our right to know what that someone else is going to be teaching them, the style of teaching, and various other things. 

I was disappointed to learn that the particular school we are looking at uses computers and other screen technology, quite often, to “teach” 5 and 6 year olds.  I just don’t see how this is the best way for children of such a young age to learn.  Why is everyone impressed with technology in schools?  Does it help the child learn to think or is it simply glorified worksheets and busy-work?  Isn’t it likely that most small children will become so enamoured with the computer itself that the actual learning of the material will take a back seat?  And shouldn’t children be doing more hands-on learning activities anyway? Any technology they learn now will most likely be obsolete by the time they need to prepare for a job.  I just don’t get it, especially given the damage (yes, damage) that this sort of impersonal education can do to someone of such a tender age. 

I’m a big believer in intuition and instinct… and intuitively I have a problem with government telling my family that we must now send our child away for several hours a day for the next 13 years in order to educate him.  (By the way, I’m not crazy for thinking this way – there were many parental protests when schooling first became compulsory in Massachusetts in 1852.  Little by little those voices were ignored and quieted and now society simply sees this as the "way things are”, but compulsory schooling and our current system of schooling in institutions is a pretty recent development.)  Let me be clear – I am pro-learning!  Learning is what childhood is all about.  Learning takes guidance and direction by someone… but ideally that guidance and direction is geared towards the individual child – his abilities, needs, interests, etc.   Individuality – the dignity of each person’s uniqueness – is highly disregarded in today’s society and nowhere more so than in schools where children are lumped together and taught the same thing at the same age - things decided by people who do not even know them.  Teachers do their best to get to know the children and help them learn, but there are so many handicaps blocking their way that it’s difficult for even the best teacher to achieve this for each and every student.

Anyway, back to government being involved… I was happy to learn that our potential school has developed and uses its own curriculum… and then disheartened to learn that this coming year they are switching over to state standard curriculum and will be doing state standardized testing as well.  My heart sunk at this news.  And the person hosting our tour wasn’t able to give me the names of any of the curriculum that will be used (it’s weird, apparently, that a parent might want such precise details of what their child will be learning).  Perhaps the teachers themselves would be able to give me more information, but I’m not sure we’ll have the opportunity to be in touch with them about this before making a decision about registering.

Standardized testing leads so often to “teaching to the test” instead of really focusing on helping each child learn.  I’m not a fan, at all, of such things… or homework or multiple choice questions or a host of other things either, if you really must know. :) 

Learning to think… this is what we need more of today.  Andrew Pudewa makes a beautiful statement in his talk about Freedomship Education (which you can download here), in which he discusses a classical education – developing character, knowledge, and skills - the kind of education men like George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, and other great men early in our country’s history had (before compulsory schooling).  Andrew Pudewa says:

“We want to raise children who know how to think, and who have the knowledge, the wisdom, the character, and the skills to be able to speak the truth in a world of liars during a time of crisis.”

(This is a great talk to listen to, by the way… he also talks about the history of compulsory education, it’s real purpose [which is not teaching our children to think on their own], the problems with standardized testing, multiple choice tests, etc.)

So, where does one find a classical education today?  There are one or two schools around that would provide this for M, but they are e-x-p-e-n-s-i-v-e!  And at least one of them is for older children only.  Thomas Sowell, an advocate of classical education, points out that parents seem to be more qualified and capable of giving their children a good education than professional teachers:

“It is common for ordinary parents, with no training in education, to homeschool their children and consistently produce better academic results than those of children educated by teachers with Master's degrees and in schools spending upwards of $10,000 a year per student-- which is to say, more than a million dollars to educate ten kids from K through 12.

Nevertheless, we continue to take seriously the pretensions of educators who fail to educate, but who put on airs of having "professional" expertise beyond the understanding of mere parents.” – Thomas Sowell, “Amateurs Outdoing Professionals”

Sowell discusses all sorts of educational problems in early elementary schools in the first part of his book, Inside American Education, if you are interested in a good summer read.

So here I am, where I’ve been a million times before, as you long-time readers know – face to face with my admiration of homeschooling.  It comes down to this… wanting peace for my family.  And the idea of homeschooling brings me more peace than any of the other options I’ve considered.  And I’ve considered them very, very hard – praying that God would either give me peace about sending M to school, lessen my desire to homeschool, or just out and out give me information to prove me wrong.  The opposite of all of these things has been happening – I feel less peace about sending M after learning more about this particular school, my desire to homeschool is growing, and all the information I’m finding is making me more and more certain that conventional schooling is not the road to go down for the best education for M.

The heartbreaking part of this is that with current circumstances (my husband has reservations about this, and I do feel he should have the final say so we can be sure we are doing the right thing) I have to be open to the idea that this is not God’s will for our family at this point in time.  But I feel so conflicted about doing something I don’t believe is the best for my son, thereby not being the best mother I can be and am called to be.  What’s a mama to do in a situation like this? 

Here’s the idealistic little picture in my head of a unified education, where learning is not a separate activity, done somewhere else, among other people, but as part of the whole of a child’s life:  a child in a one-on-one setting, with a nurturing grown-up’s arm around his shoulder, teaching him to read, to solve math problems, to love God, to love his neighbor, to learn about the wonders of nature via science, to learn about the creativity in his heart via art lessons, to learn about history, music, chores, being polite, everything under the sun (!)… along with a lot of affection, firm discipline, encouragement, guidance in all things related to mind, heart, and soul, all in a real-world setting of family and community (versus an artificial environment where everyone is the same age and treated as if they are all at the same developmental stage)… a holistic education of the entire individual, by someone whom God has placed in a position to really know and understand and deeply love that particular child – the way He loves that child – as an individual.

And, to me, that sounds like a mother doing the work God has given her by entrusting these little souls to her and her husband. 

I have to wonder if, when God created families, He thought it would be best to take the children away from their families several hours a day in order to educate them – or did He place them in their particular families with the intention that education would, for the most part, happen there?

And it’s an idealistic picture, yes, I know that.  And I’m pregnant and emotional, and not the best at dealing with reality right now – yes, I know that too, which is why I’m thankful to have a more objective husband.  But I’ve been on this road for 5 years now and looking back I can clearly see how this dream has developed and blossomed in my heart and maybe my current state is just an honest admission of what I’ve wanted to believe and say all along.  Barring any major change in our circumstances, having a baby will keep me at home for another 5 years.  I’d love to have both of my chicks nestled under my wing (I’ve had to let too many of them go too soon – maybe that is part of this too?), all of us learning together… and there are some practical and financial advantages as well.  Taking advantage of homeschool groups would be a large part of this too; I have no desire to suffocate my children or prevent them from being part of a larger community.

Am I being too overprotective?  Too controlling?  Hm.  Perhaps.  But I do know that someone is going to be in control.  If M goes to school, the system will be in control of what is being taught; teachers will be in control of whether he is learning as well as how he learns (so often you hear, “teacher wants us to do it this way, not that way, despite the fact that that way might be correct too, which I’d have to say undermines the intelligence and authority of the parent who might be just as correct); other children will be in control of his socialization (social skills should be taught by mature adults and older children, I firmly believe), and their actions and words will control, at least in part, how his personality develops – monitoring may be done by an adult, but the real learning of social skills will be taught by his peers.  It seems to me that if someone is going to be in control of these things, and we know someone must be, that someone ought to be the parents.

Some quotes that sum up my feeling about this “overprotective” issue:

“If you were going to grow tomatoes in Canada, you do not take the tomato seed and go outside and stick it in the ground, do you?  No.  What you do is get a little cup, maybe several little cups, and you carefully select and control the soil, control the amount of water, light, and heat it gets.  You don’t do all this, then stick it outside in the back of the pickup truck behind the barn.  You keep it inside on the windowsill or in a greenhouse area and you carefully control all the elements around that little seed as it grows.  You know where it needs to go, but when do you do that?  You do it when the plant is tall enough, the trunk is strong enough, the roots are deep enough, and you know the place where you are going to put it is safe enough, you take that seedling and put it outside where conditions are not under your control anymore.  There are going to be variables, but at least that plant has been prepared adequately to handle those variables.  When it all comes together you get a great plant because you did it all when the roots were deep enough and the stem was strong enough.” – Steve Moitozo – from 10 Myths of Socialization (free audio download)

and

“We are not home educating because we fear the world.  We are not building an impenetrable fortress within which we will shield our children from the onslaught of the enemy.  Rather, our goal as Catholics is to nurture our children, like young plants in a nursery, so that they will stand tall for Christ.” – Kimberly Hahn – Catholic Education: Homeward Bound

There.  Venting done.  For now. ;)

I am simply unsure of where to go from here.  I pray for the strength to trust that all things will work out for the best, despite the possible heartache of.going against my convictions… it’s a tough place to be for this mama.

Nicole

Surprise!

There is one tiny little bit of news I didn’t share with you in my most recent post. I thought it deserved a post of its own. ;)

Are you ready??

This little person is due in August, and M is hoping SHE will be born on his birthday. :)  Clarification:  we do not know if baby is a boy or a girl, but M is definitely hoping for a girl.  Me?  My current weak stomach is having trouble dealing with visions of Polly Pockets, Barbie Dolls, and an ocean of pink… so I’m focusing on trucks and all things blue, hee hee.  Of course we’ll be thrilled no matter what!!  We’ll find out when baby is born (more surprises!), not before.

Is it not crazy that I started 2011 with prayers for a baby and we found out mid-December that I was pregnant.  It came on the heels of a 2-week flu bug, and threw me for a loop, for sure.  I had recently truly made peace with the idea of never having another baby, and… well… just so crazy.  I can honestly say the emotions that go with having a surprise like this are very different than the ones that go with planning and hoping… I’m thankful that I’ve been able to experience both.  And I am simply not thinking about my age. ;)  Or my husband’s age. ;)

I have been feeling… awful.  Barely making it through the days kind of awful.  Which of course helps explain my frustration with not being able to get anything done.  I am hoping that as I progress into the 2nd trimester this gets much much better.  

We are keeping an eye on my progesterone levels, which dip distressingly low… I’m getting 4 injections per week (from my husband!  Who is not a nurse, and if he were, might just be the world’s worst.) to keep my levels up – this is because of our previous miscarriages due to low progesterone.  After some worry a week or so ago, we had the above ultrasound.  Baby was waving arms and legs, practically bouncing, and had a wonderfully strong heartbeat. :)

I am so thankful.

Joyfully yours,

Too Much To Do (or a lazy mom whines)

 

“I used to think that we can have almost anything we want from life, that it’s just a question of organization.  But now I’m beginning to think that we have to make a choice more often than we’d like.  The important thing is to make sure that it’s our choice, no one else’s, and that we make it honestly.”
- Adam Dalgliesh in Death of an Expert Witness, by P.D. James

I just can. not. fit it all in. 

After being sick most of December and having some set backs in January, I have been feeling overwhelmed with the daily stuff that life is made of.  I want to blog… but then when it comes down to it, I’d rather read a good book, soak in the tub, or stare at a blank wall. 

I keep thinking I need to write in my journal for M – all these things I want to remember – things I want him to remember – words of wisdom… that sort of thing.  But well, when it comes down to it… it just hasn’t been happening.  (I hope that doesn’t make me a bad mother, because I’m afraid this is just the way it’s going to be for a while.)

I’m trying to organize some trouble spots in our home, our time, and the two pack rats I live with.  Or trying to at least live with them without going crazy.  Ok, more honestly, trying to figure out how to throw things away without them noticing. ;)

I’ve been rediscovering my passion for sewing and crocheting and creating beautiful things with my hands.  I’ve even taken up loom-knitting.  I am a crocheter through and through, but I do understand that a knitted something-or-other is nice to have sometimes too. ;)

I’m trying to work out the struggle inside that I’m having with facing these final months of small-childhood for M… the last of our days completely together; this time when I can see so clearly into his heart and mind. 

I’m in the process of opening an Etsy store (don’t hold me to this, I’m only mentioning it in the hopes that it will actually make me work on it), revamping my blog, and creating a new site to house the free printables I offer.  I’m working on an Easter e-book with a friend, and creating some reading helps for M’s “school time”.  I’m putting together a space unit and an ocean unit, and thinking about plans for learning about how the human body works.

I think there are some reviews I’m supposed to be working on too.

And then there are friends, family, daily housekeeping, raising a small boy who wants my every minute, errands, and social events.

Sheesh.  But seriously, how do you make choices to not do some of these things?   They all seem so necessary… or else are things I really enjoy!  I’ve realized that I’m so busy trying to organize everything into something manageable that I’m losing peace and joy in the struggle.  Sometimes choices have to be made! 

What do you do when you feel overwhelmed?  How do you cut back, or even choose the areas in which to cut back?

There are so many interesting things I want to share with you, so I’m going to try to get back into blogging.  I’m hoping to share the basics of  the reading program we are going through, and our arts and crafts activities a couple of times a month.  I want to write about all the amazingly good books we’ve been reading and how we are fitting more books than ever into our days, our new chore system (new as in started 6 months ago, but just not written about yet), and lots of other things… look for some good announcements soon about a few of the things I’m working on. :)

Thanks for reading, and letting me vent (I am amazed to see that my readership has gone up over the past few months instead of down – you are all so appreciated!). 

Here’s to getting back into the swing of things!

Have a beautiful day! :)

A Slow Advent

Oh, this poor little neglected blog of mine.

This Advent has not gone exactly as planned.  Not at all as planned, actually.  There’s been a month’s worth of sickness and many, many things have just been laid aside.  I am ashamed to say I’ve turned to store-bought craft kits to keep M busy.  There is nothing wrong with these really, but they aren’t exactly the memory-making activities I had hoped for.  Maybe we will get to them during the actual Christmas season (which lasts from Christmas day to Epiphany), or maybe not.  I am thankful to just be well and functioning again, to be honest.

M was sick the first week of Advent, and then for almost two weeks it was my turn.  I was couch-bound, watching the house get messier and messier through feverish eyes, and not caring.  That nasty flu finally caught up with this anti-flu-shot girl, and gave me quite a beating.  We all had it to a degree, but somehow I was the lucky winner of the worst case.  Poor M was getting his own breakfast and lunch most days!  He felt very proud, but it hurt this mama’s heart a tiny bit to see him taking care of himself like that.  And then I had an awful case of pink eye, you know, just to round things off nicely.  That meant no cuddling or snuggling with anyone, which after being sick for a long time is just incredibly depressing! 

But somehow I was given the grace to realize that Advent is all about waiting and hoping and remembering just exactly where to look for the joy.  I woke up on Joy Sunday (3rd Sunday of Advent), unable to go to church, again.  And I wondered, just what was it I was supposed to be joyful about? None of my plans were actually happening, the house was a disaster, and I was being treated like a pink-eyed leper. 

But time and time again, these past few months, I’ve been brought to a place where I’m gently reminded that fulfillment, joy, etc. are not found in plans, good times, or even health.  Joy is found in placing hope – confident hope – in God and His goodness and love and mercy.  Hoping for what I know is coming… Who I know is coming.  Each evening of this Advent when we’ve managed to have our little devotional time, M places a straw (length of yarn) in our manger and whispers, “Come, Baby Jesus, be born in our hearts.”   The simple and even boring Advent that has been our lot this year has, in the end, become a greater blessing in a way than a lot of fun and good times could ever be (although fun and good times are blessings too!).  Our emptiness is slowly being filled with an amazing sense of anticipation – the joy of knowing that what we truly hope for, what we most need, is coming soon. 

We are better this week, finally getting back to normal.  But we are not going to try to fit a lot in.  We are going to work on preparing our fantastically messy home and our hearts for the Love that is on its way.  I’m just going to go slowly through the days, and savor the sense of anticipation as much as I can. 

M has recently discovered Johnny Cash, and as I write this, Hey Porter is on (blaring even, you might say), and these particular lines are perfect:

“Go tell that engineer to make
that lonesome whistle scream.
We're not so far from home,
so take it easy on the steam.”

Blessings,

Inspiration…

I struggle with depression.  Have I mentioned that before?  I meant to write about this, especially in relation to post-partum depression, at some point this year, but well, the year seems to have gotten away from me.  I’m not going to write much about it in this post either because, oh la la, it is just not something I want to get into today.  Some day though, I promise! :)

{By the way, it is not uncommon for women who have fertility problems to have trouble with depression too – an imbalance in hormones can wreak havoc on our bodies, minds, and souls in many ways.}

I am usually able to keep it at bay, without drugs, although I do take a very, very mild dose of an antidepressant to help me sleep.  Sleep is so important.  So are vitamins, outside time (I need to work on this!), finding the right pace for my days (not too busy or over-extended, not too empty), time spent nourishing my soul with prayer and inspirational reading, keeping a focus on goals, and making sure priorities are kept in proper order.  It is possible to still be a good mother and wife – a wonderful mother and wife – and fight depression at the same time!

One thing I’ve often noticed about myself is that keeping all of these things going (the things mentioned in the paragraph above) is much easier when I am in the middle of reading some sort of helpful book about motherhood, the spiritual life, homemaking… anything along those lines.  And if I’m not currently reading and enjoying something like that, lack of motivation and then depression can settle in pretty quickly.  I’ve always considered this to be a weakness of mine…  And then I began reading Jamie Martin’s book, Steady Days: A Journey Toward Intentional, Professional Motherhood.  (You can find Jamie here, here, and here.  She is amazing.) 

I’ve had this book on my to-read list for ages.  Recently, it finally seemed like the right time to pick it up and immediately I was struck with her acknowledgement of the power of words.  And it’s true.  Words put together in the right way can have real power.  I feel like this is something I’ve always known, have perhaps even mentioned myself, but somehow this time I realized it in a completely different way.  God uses the words of others to lift us up and encourage us and keep us going.  It’s a wonderful gift to have these words, and it is not a weakness to need them!

Jamie mentioned making a box full of quotes that inspire her.  If it is good enough for her, it’s good enough for me. :)  Just thinking about doing this made me feel more calm and peaceful… the idea of having something to look to on those days when I need an extra nudge upward so I don’t find myself spiraling downward… what a blessing that would be for my whole family.

So I bought a little wooden box at Michaels and decorated it with some paint pens: Hee hee – it looks to me like something my 10-year old self would have made, not exactly the piece of beauty I had envisioned, but it will work. :)

And I began filling it up with inspiration:

Now I’m off to tell Jamie about it and give her back a little of the encouragement she has given me. :)

Have a beautiful day! :)

Is Preschool Necessary? Academics (3)

{Continued from yesterday’s post}

The issue of attachment and how it affects a child’s ability to learn is something I’ve thought about a lot lately.  Dr. Gordon Neufeld makes a strong case for the importance of attachment in a child’s life in his book Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers.  I could write a hundred posts about the wisdom in this book, but instead I’ll just highly recommend that you read it for yourself if this issue interests you at all.

The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons From Falling Behind in School and Life, by Michael Gurian also speaks a bit about the relationship between secure attachments and learning.  Here’s a bit of what the author says regarding this issue: 

“Children with secure attachments are more likely to make learning gains for a biological reason : the organic mechanisms in the brain by which the brain learns require secure attachment in order to grow fully.” (p. 71)

(I wrote more about this book here, here, and here.)

Attachment (love, affection, and a sense of security in relationship with another person) is necessary for learning in small children.  And there is evidence that making and then breaking attachments can actually hinder a preschool / kindergarten-aged child’s ability to learn.  Of course if the children have learned to attach to other children instead of the adult present then they have an easier time, at first, with focusing on learning, giving credence to the idea that socialization via being in groups of peers is a good and helpful thing in a child’s education.  Dr. Neufeld spells out how this “peer-orientation” as he calls it, is actually detrimental to a child’s future healthy maturation, and causes all sorts of problems in parent-child relationships later on. 

Dr. David Elkind predicted in the 1980’s what affect the then-current trends in early education, and the accompanying stresses, would have on the preschool children of the ‘80’s when they became adolescents.  It seems to me that he was right on the mark (just look at the violence and aggression that seemed to erupt with teenagers of the nineties!):

[Speaking of teenagers in the eighties, those who were preschooled in the late sixties, or early seventies] “Teenagers today are hurried children and show primarily stress symptoms, the symptoms of being pushed too hard too soon.  My guess is that the teenagers of the nineties will be more neurotic than teenagers today.  They will show more obsessions, more compulsions, more phobias, more psychosomatic symptoms than do teenagers today.

…If we refuse to recognize what miseducation is doing to our young children, we will put a significant proportion of the next generation at risk for personality problems and for occupational mediocrity.”

As far as the attachment issue goes, my main concern is two-fold.  The first is the risk that M will become more peer-oriented than parent-oriented.  The second is the idea of M becoming attached to a preschool teacher, than having that attachment broken, having to re-attach to a new teacher in kindergarten, and so on throughout the elementary years. Yes, I know this is just part of life in our current society, but I’m not sure it has to be, or is therefore healthy for small children to experience.  Many European schools have teachers follow “their children” from one grade to another for several years in a row because they know this is healthier for the children and better suited to the goal of educational success.  And of course, having Mama be the teacher eliminates this concern altogether. ;)

A thought that just popped into my head (or flew into my funnel as M, lover of trains, says):  Remember Laura Ingalls Wilder and how she taught children of all different ages, all in one room (socialization amongst different age groups?  Oh my!), and how she continued being their teacher throughout most of their schooling years?  That is how school used to be, and I’m pretty sure it was a great system.  How did we get from that to this current shuffling of children from one teacher to another, while losing many of them in the crowd; focusing more on teaching methods and classroom control, instead of children’s individual learning styles? Efficiency may not be worth the toll it takes on childhood and secure attachments.

I’ll finish up tomorrow… I know you wait with baited breath. ;)

Have a beautiful day! :)

Is Preschool Necessary? Academics (2)

(Continued from yesterday’s post.)

Preschool today is very different from the nursery school many of us went to as a small child.  In his book, Miseducation: Preschoolers at Risk, Dr. David Elkind writes about social changes in the past several decades that have led to the more formal education of preschool-age children. 

By all means, I do not think that many of these social changes in and of themselves were bad, but it seems that society doesn’t often think about the fact that the institutionalization of education in general, and preschools in particular, are relatively recent developments.

I could go on and on about this subject, but my main point is that what was once considered a necessity for mothers who had to work outside the home, has evolved into the norm and is now perceived by many as necessary preparation for kindergarten.

The idea that a normal, well-developed child needs special preparation in order to be ready for kindergarten strikes me as somewhat ridiculous.  It’s kindergarten!  If it is the case that a 5 or 6 year old child needs special preparation for kindergarten, then it seems to me (and I know this may not be a popular point of view) that something is terribly wrong with our education system.

I do believe preschool-aged children benefit from being exposed to all kinds of wonderful experiences, and encouraged to learn about what interests them (within parental guidelines of course).  However, I do have a few concerns about focusing too much on education during early childhood.

First, it seems to me that as we enrich our children’s lives with one wonderful experience after another, we sometimes forget to let them have down time.  Good chunks of “nothing to do” time is a stress-reliever, and a means of getting to know oneself.  Time to one’s self is also necessary in order to reflect on and process experiences, and eventually glean lessons from those experiences.

Secondly, doesn’t it seem like the more we provide interesting and stimulating things for our children, the more they seem to expect every moment to be fun and exciting? And if it is not, they look to us to provide them with some new stimulation.  In my childhood, an outing or special event, or a new activity, was an infrequent thing, and very special.  I sometimes think we fill our children’s lives with so many “special” things that in the end not one thing is truly special.  An eagerness to learn is one thing in our children, but a belief that the world revolves around them is quite another thing.  The current “busy-ness” of today’s children (which is becoming common even among very small children) just seems to promote this sense that they are the center of everything.

Before today’s institutional schools were common, middle class children had simple childhoods, were taught basics by a tutor or their mother, and then the burden of occupying and educating themselves was on their own shoulders, not the responsibility of anyone else.  I think education was more highly valued and more enthusiastically pursued then than currently, when a sense of entitlement has snuffed out the pleasure of working hard for, and achieving, an education. 

My third concern is regarding the issue of attachment, which I’ll save for tomorrow. :)

Is Preschool Necessary? Part Four – Academics

{PART ONE      PART TWO      PART THREE}

I thought this would be the easiest post of this series to write.  After all, how much can a person have to say about preschool academics?  But as my thoughts delved into more areas than I expected, the post kept getting longer and longer (you know I have trouble keeping things short and sweet anyway!).  For that reason I’ve decided to split it into four {oh yes, I said four!} sections – one post each day all the way to Friday.  Get comfy and hold on! ;)

Academics in preschool… this is actually where I began my journey toward understanding that there are alternatives to traditional school.  Now look at me – I feel like a completely different person than I was just a few short years ago. 

When M was very small (about the age in the photo above, not quite 2 years), I assumed we would put him in Kindergarten at 5 years old, which would be this fall.  His birthday is late August, and he would be one of the youngest children in his class, which was totally okay with me.  He was brilliant (hahaha, not that I was biased or anything), and I thought the sooner he started school the better – how else to develop all that latent genius?  And preschool, at 3 or 4, would only give him that much more of a head start.  Um, wouldn’t it?

And then, crazy as it sounds, I realized my husband had his own ideas about all of this (the nerve!).  He was adamant that, with a late summer birthday, it would be better to wait until M was 6 years old before beginning Kindergarten.  What?!  I started Kindergarten when I was 4, and there is nothing wrong with me. 

Oh wait.  Except that I never really enjoyed school. 

The pressures – socially and academically – were really stressful for me.  I can see now, that with another year (or two) under my belt I would have been better prepared developmentally for what was expected of me throughout all of my elementary years.  As it was, I loved being sick and getting to stay home (sounds pathetic, doesn’t it?).  All I really wanted was home, Mama, and a little security.  To be completely honest, I had begged to go to school, and my parents had reluctantly agreed.

I was ready and very eager to learn…but I was only 4 years old! 

The basic emotional and psychological needs of my little 4 year old self weren’t being met by being in school, and so everything was a struggle. 

I wanted to be a big kid, but you can’t be a big kid until you’re all done being a little kid! 

So I want M to take his time with being a little kid – it’s an important time of his life, really his foundation for a happy life – and it’s not something I want to rush him through.

I was academically ready to learn what I was “supposed” to learn at 4, but the joy of learning, which was what prompted my strong desire to go to school in the first place, was completely snuffed out.  I struggled with being unhappy and yet at the same time having to put forth the effort to learn new things... things that someone else had decided I needed to learn, not the things I was interested in and naturally wanted to learn about. 

(Not that I think kids should never have to learn about something they aren’t interested in, just not basic academics at 4 years old, in my opinion.  Exposing them to new ideas and skills, and playing off of what naturally interests them, is different than requiring them to learn.)

In this country since that time (mid 1970’s) kindergarten has changed dramatically.  What once was reserved for first and second grade is now being formally taught in kindergarten, and kindergarten curriculum is being pushed down into preschools.  Yes, it’s presented in fun ways, and many children love it.  But the pressure to learn is still there – not necessarily from the preschool teacher, but from parents who want proof that their children are learning and thus getting a supposed leg up on the competition.   (Yes, I know this is not all parents, but I know myself and am concerned that I could turn into that kind of parent, given the chance.)

After many conversations with my husband, I began doing some research on this crazy “later is better than earlier” idea, and I have to say, I’ve been convinced.  We have time.  Time for M to grow up at his own pace.  Time to learn to read, time to explore science and develop math skills.  Time.  He does not have to go out and get a job tomorrow.  He just needs to be happy and secure and loved right now. 

More tomorrow…. :)

Is Preschool Necessary? (Part three)

part one   part two

SOCIALIZATION AND THE SHY CHILD
{I’m also going to address the “over-mothering” issue (mentioned in part one) as it just seems to fit here.}

M is often on the receiving end of comments like these:  “Why are you being so shy?!”  “Come on, M!  You know these kids!”  “Stop being so shy!  You’re just being silly!”  I cringe every time I hear something like this said to him. 

Being shy is not wrong.  Being outgoing is not wrong.  They are simply different ways of being.  “Shy” does not automatically equal “unhappy”!  (But hearing things like the above comments can certainly affect a shy child’s happiness and inner peace.)

When I was a child I heard similar comments pretty often.  Not once did it make me feel more comfortable in the situation, or make me feel not shy.  It only made me very self-conscious, and aware that it wasn’t ok with everyone for me to just be me.

Well-meaning people have told us that preschool will “help” M overcome his shyness.  I suppose it could change his behavior, yes – but at what cost?  There is something to be said for the child who chooses to observe and understand a situation before jumping into it.  I’m not sure I want to “fix” this trait in M; it may serve him well throughout his life! 

I’ve discovered a much easier way to help him become comfortable in new situations: listen to and respect his instincts. 

In my opinion, this is how children learn to respect and value others. If we truly understand the dignity and intrinsic value of ourselves, we tend to recognize and appreciate the value of others!  This really is the basis of true respect for others. 

I have heard that you know if you are an introvert or an extrovert by how you relax and re-energize.  Does it energize you to be at a party with friends, talking and having fun?  Then you’re most likely an extrovert.  Does it energize you to spend time alone, simply being by yourself and thinking or enjoying a hobby?  Then you are probably an introvert. 

For introverted children, being in large groups, while it may be fun, can also be very stressful.  I’ve noticed that M’s “shyness” manifests itself in a variety of ways in large groups – he may be clingy, act really wild and hyperactive (definitely a sign he is feeling some stress), sometimes it even comes out as anger he can’t control.   Why would I send him into, what for him is a stressful situation, without also providing him with the emotional security he needs?  If, at 4 or 5 years old, he can’t depend on his mother for that security, to whom will he turn in order to find it?  Isn’t that, in part, what mothers are for?

I don’t believe maturity can be rushed along, and I think it’s a mistake to try.  My husband and I often comment on how kids are so different now than we were at that age.  It seems like they are growing up more quickly, but never truly maturing.  It’s my opinion that real maturity and true independence will naturally develop if the needs of children, appropriate to their development level, are met.   

I think of what I do with M in new social settings as a sort of emotional “scaffolding”.  Often, when I’m helping M learn something new, I’ll “scaffold” the activity for him, setting him up to succeed little by little until he has the skill or information mastered (I’ve talked about this in some of our preschool activity posts).  Comfort with the material, and a few rungs of success behind him, give him much more confidence than simply forcing him to do something he’s not ready for. 

For example, when we are starting a new class or activity, if he wants me to sit on the floor with him, I will.  If something I can do will make him feel secure enough that he can forget himself and really get into what is going on around him, I do it.  Eventually, his comfort in the environment and his level of confidence will increase; I can’t force this to happen, but I can create an environment in which it will happen naturally.  At the right speed for him, I slowly move into the background.  Being close to him during this time when he needs me also allows me to model correct behavior for him – listening to the leader, following directions, keeping my hands to myself (and reminding M of all this as necessary).  If I didn’t do this, the insecurity and discomfort he would feel, would be his focus, and he would not really get anything out of the class or party or whatever it is. 

Is allowing him the time to observe and get comfortable somehow smothering, giving too much attention, or coddling? Does it stem from a desire to keep him from growing up?

No.  It’s simply allowing him to be himself and letting him depend on me for the safe place he needs for the time being; this is the foundation from which he can grow into a mature and independent person.  You can’t learn and grow if you’re busy just trying to feel secure where you are.

As mothers, we don’t hesitate to take responsibility for meeting the physical and emotional needs of our infants.  There’s a temptation, though, as they grow and get past that stage of total neediness, to feel that we just can’t wait for them to grow up.  Sure, children want independence, and it’s great to teach them how to brush their own teeth, button their shirts, tie their shoes for themselves, etc.  But are we expecting them to become emotionally independent too soon?  I admit that sometimes I’ve just been tired of being needed!  But thankfully I always come back to wanting what is truly best for M, even though it may take some effort and sacrifice on my part.

A reader recently recommended a book to me: Hold Onto Your Kids, by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.  (Thank you, Claire!)  I have just started reading it, but the basic premise of the book seems to be that children must be and need to be dependent on someone and feel emotionally attached to someone, hopefully one or both parents.  If a child does not have that relationship with his parents, he will find it somewhere else – it is just that basic of a need.  If a child has been allowed to depend on his parents to meet that need for attachment, he will not have such a strong need to find acceptance among his peers.  In other words, he’ll be secure enough to be his own person.  And yes, this is important even in early childhood. 

Emotional and psychological independence, in time, will grow naturally from a secure foundation.  It’s not something we have to rush along.

It’s not about “sheltering” or being over-protective.  It’s about helping him grow up in a way that allows him to know himself and become a healthy adult who will influence his world instead of being influenced by it.  And that is one of many wonderful things that I want for him.  

Note: I will be out of town for the next couple of weeks, then on a little break, and so won’t get to part 4 (academics in preschool) until sometime in May.  Other posts will (hopefully) be scheduled for my time away though, so keep reading! ;)

Have a beautiful day! :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is Preschool Necessary? (part two)

Part one of this post is here. 

Socialization in Preschool

What exactly do people mean when they say preschool is good (or even necessary) for socialization?  Honestly, it’s something I’ve had a hard time understanding.

My best guess is that people who speak of preschool as being necessary for socialization actually mean something like this:

• preschool can help the child learn to get along with other children (sharing, taking turns, manners, etc).
• preschool will give the child an environment in which to make friends his own age.
• preschool can help the child get ready for formal schooling in a classroom setting.

I think that everyone who has encouraged us to send M to preschool has good intentions.  All of these people care about him on some level.  I feel I need to take their concerns and look at them, not just dismiss them, in the spirit of maintaining healthy, caring, and peaceful relationships.

Let’s get the third reason out of the way first.  Since I tend to think that the older a child is, and the more developmentally ready he is, the better he’ll be able to learn in a classroom setting, I don’t give a lot of weight to this particular argument.  Also, with 13 years of school ahead of him, most likely he’s got time to figure all that out, if necessary.  Also, most preschool classrooms are very different from the classroom of a higher grade, as they should be.  I agree that it’s important for a child to learn to respect authority figures other than his parents, but this can be achieved in many other ways.

Now, in regards to learning social skills and making friends…

It seems to me that the best way to learn social skills is to have parents who are good role models and who make the time and effort to teach their child the kind of behavior that will best equip him for healthy relationships in the future.

Why the parents?  Simply because parents are the people most important to the child; their opinion matters most to him; from them he gets (or should get) the nurturing his body and mind and soul crave, which helps develop his confidence and a sense of his self-worth.  And this is exactly what he’ll take with him into the “real world” where he will have to get along with others, and form friendships, and know how to behave in a variety of situations.

Doesn’t it seem that, as adults, we often find ourselves looking to other people in our lives to meet some need we feel?  Quite often it seems (to me) that need stems from something that was lacking in our childhood.  For example, children who were abandoned or always in fear of abandonment, still fear it in adulthood and can place unrealistic expectations on another person, hoping that this person will finally make them feel safe.  That’s an extreme example to make a point, but I think the principle plays out in other, less dramatic, ways also.  It’s hard to overestimate the value of developing a good, secure, relationship between parents and children.  And it’s something we can’t rush along.  And “attachment” isn’t a bad thing at 4 or 5 years old.

As M’s mother, I am in a position to stay on top of behavior issues with him – I can remind him a hundred times a day (and I think there have been days like that!) that he needs to share and take turns and develop a caring heart towards others.  I can take him with me to the store, the post office, church, playgroups, etc. and show him by my example how to be polite and mannerly.  I can take him with me to pick out toys for less fortunate children; donate diapers and formula for new babies; or take him to visit elderly people on a Meals on Wheels route, all the while teaching him about the respect we owe to each person, and the inherent dignity of each human being regardless of where they live or what their abilities are. 

By talking to him one-on-one about these things, I’m able to discern his growth in these areas of true “socialization”, answer questions he may have, and help him develop a greater understanding of what we, as a family, hold valuable.  I would not, for the world, give up the amazingly deep conversations about these things that we sometimes have.  For the record, I know that doing these things would still be important if he went to preschool.  But finding time for them would be much more difficult! 

So, it would seem to me that it’s better and more do-able to socialize a child out in the “real world” during normal day to day life with mom and dad, rather than in a preschool. 

However, parents are people, and as such have strengths and weaknesses, and can not be all things to all children. Many parents have strengths in areas where I am definitely weak (healthful cooking; rough playing, especially with boys; etc).  For some families, preschool meets a need and is great.

But one of the areas in which I have done well has been making sure we have ample opportunities to learn and socialize outside of our home.  (I actually feel that we are too busy sometimes, and try to limit our days away from home to no more than 3 per week, not including weekends).

I’ve been thinking about the social skills that M already has – he’s polite (most of the time, hee hee), truly cares about others, knows how to share and take turns, can carry on conversations with anyone of any age, plays well with other children (provided there are not too many other children… this is something I’ll talk about in my next post, in regards to the socialization of a shy child), and is developing a sense of responsibility in his every day life.  By my standards, he has great social skills for a 4 year old!   

In addition to the activities mentioned in an earlier paragraph, we have 1 to 2 playgroup meetings per week, as well as one-on-one play dates quite often (he does have a few friends!), a nature center class each week, a music class most weeks, frequent outings to indoor playgrounds in the winter and parks in the summer, and weekly trips to the library.  Add to this lots of time with mom and dad at home, as well as seeing cousins and grandparents most weekends, and you’ve got a pretty well-rounded and happy kid. 

Preschool can be fun, there’s no doubt about it.  It can provide a lot of wonderful, stimulating ideas and activities.  Many children love preschool!  I am not trying to bash preschool, and I sure hope it doesn’t seem like that’s my point here.  I know wonderful, wonderful preschool teachers who are doing great jobs.  I hope that throughout M’s life he has teachers (regardless of grade) like Deborah over at Teach Preschool, who wrote this very encouraging post (it’s well worth reading!).  The problem I have is the apparent confusion between socializing and socialization.  Socializing with children of the same age is not the same as teaching the child good social skills.  In fact, I’ve seen and heard of situations where the opposite effect has occurred – being around a large group of children for a while or on a regular basis can cause a child to pick up attitudes and phrases and all kinds of things that we definitely do not consider good social skills! 

Maybe my opinions on this subject stem from my own experiences in school – throughout all of my school years, I clearly remember being told that I was there to learn, “not to socialize”. ;)  (I’m a “talker”, as you can see by the length of this post!)  Remember, the family is the most basic building block of society.  If a child does not learn social skills and how to be a good friend from his family first, most likely no school will be able to do the job later on.

Whew – that’s enough for now.  I want to talk about shyness and socialization in my next post on this subject.  I promise it won’t be this long!

Your comments are always welcome!

Have a beautiful day! :)

 

Is Preschool Necessary? (part one)

Most of you know I don’t want to send M to preschool.  Intuitively, I want to keep him with me one more year – doing what we’ve been doing all along – hopefully helping him grow into a confident, capable boy with a caring heart.

I operate on intuition a lot.  This doesn’t mean logic and reason don’t come into play when I make decisions – they definitely do.  It just means that I am comfortable listening to my feelings and examining what my heart is telling me.  I have found that, quite often, my heart is picking up on easy-to-miss little things and whispering to me to pay attention!.

Intuition has “told” me of many engagements, new lives, even deaths, before I actually heard the news.  My family is never surprised when I know something before they tell me. 

Intuition told me to stay home with my new baby and let the world of work rush by without me; that what he really needed was for Mama to hold him and love him and know him, and that if I just did that everything else would fall into place.

Intuition had me at his side those first few weeks, loving him and bonding with him, hurrying to his side whenever he cried.  And intuition is what told me that in the natural course of things he wouldn’t always be so needy, and that at 6 months I would respond a tiny bit differently than at 6 weeks, and a bit more differently at a year, and so on.  I felt, quite often at that time, that I was being judged (although it could very well have just been those hormones!) for jumping up whenever he needed me.  When I began teaching him that he needed to be patient for mama and that mama would always come, but that sometimes learning to go to sleep is important too I would let him cry for a few minutes (never much though, to be honest).  And I distinctly remember seeing looks exchanged between people, as if to say – “wow, she’s finally learned!”  But the truth is, it was just intuition telling me that a baby at one year has different needs than a baby at 6 weeks.  It was a sense of his development and just knowing in my heart what he was ready for and what was best for our family.  I would still rush to a new baby as soon as possible if he cried!

Intuition is telling me, in a bit more than its usual whisper, that preschool is not right for M.  Not right now anyway.  Who knows, things may change by fall, I don’t know.  I do try to keep my mind open and pray that what is right and best for him is what ends up happening.  No matter how much I pray though, I keep coming back to the thought that as M’s mother, God has given me this gift of intuition to help me know what the right thing to do is.  As his mother, I understand and know him better than anyone else.  I am the primary advocate of his well-being, and it’s a job I don’t take lightly.

For his sake, as well as my own peace of mind, I want to take what I am feeling intuitively, and support it with reason.  There are a few factors that I want to explore and write about in relation to preschool:

• socialization, especially in light of the fact that he is naturally an introvert and can be a bit shy at times.
  
• academics – what is being taught in the preschool that we would send him to, and how this lines up with what he needs, wants, and is developmentally ready for, as well as what we want for him.
  
• the idea of “mothering” him too much – does he, at this age, need formal school time away from me?  If so, why? 
  

I’m trying to be so orderly about getting my thoughts put down on paper (cyber paper, that is), and it’s not an easy task for this jumbled up brain of mine. :)  Hopefully over the next few weeks I’ll be able to write posts about all of these things.  Feedback is so very, very appreciated!

Have a beautiful day! :)

 

New Year – New Hopes, New Goals

This sweet praying angel is one of my favorite things to bring out at Christmas time.  She was given to me by a dear friend, and I imagine her prayers are my own, but she’s a bit more diligent about it than I am.  :)  Doesn’t she just seem so peaceful and trusting, even in the middle of unending supplication?  I may leave her out for all of 2011.

I know what she and I are praying for as this new year begins:  peace, grace, focus… and a little joy would be nice too. (A very little joy, wrapped up in a blanket, and looking an awful lot like a baby would certainly be nice, wouldn’t it? ;) This might take a miracle, but my sweet angel and I will continue to pray.)

I’m in the middle of drafting a post about the routine and rhythm we’ve developed over the past couple of months, so I won’t go into that too much here – but I do hope to use my time more wisely this year; and plan to set aside time on a regular basis to see what’s working, what needs to change, and whether or not my priorities are what they ought to be.

There are a few things I am going to work on, and I’m going to try to schedule most of these into my weekly calendar somehow:

• I need to find make time to exercise at least 3 times a week.
• Read daily to M (the snuggled-up kind of reading, not just bedtime stories or our chapter books at lunch).
• Prepare and actually do more activities pertaining to our faith.
• Organize about 5 areas of our home that really need it and are making me crazy.  Winter should be a great time to do this, but I’m trying to figure out how to do it and still have time for everything else…
• Make a decision about preschool this fall – I really thought we’d already made a decision (to not do preschool outside of home), but an enlightening conversation with family members over Christmas has turned it into a question again (ugh).
• Really sit down and form my thoughts about homeschooling (pros and cons) in a way that will help me explain, out loud, how I feel, and help others to understand. 
• In regards to preschool activities with M:
  • More reading of *good* books – I recently went through the book, Books Children Love: A Guide to the Best Children's Literature, and marked a bunch that sound enjoyable and are on M’s level.  The book was written to help Charlotte Mason followers find good literature for children instead of “twaddle”.  I found it very helpful, and found myself becoming more interested in Charlotte Mason and her ideas about education. 
  • Some book activities, hopefully, in relation to the above.  The planning of this, for one child, is a bit daunting for me.  We’ll see as we read, whether or not I can come up with activities.  (Yes, I know about Five in a Row, and should really look into it more.  I’m kind of stubborn when it comes to spending $$ on things I could do myself, and stubborn about planning activities that I know will appeal to M – he’s a custom-job kind of kid.)
  • More gross motor activities and exercise time with M twice a week.
  • More art (is that possible?) – meaning more looking at beautiful art, learning a tiny bit about various artists, art museum trips, more learning about various techniques, etc.  Books Children Love, was helpful in this area, and lists art books and the ages each one appeals to. 
  • More music – our first step in this is a fun local class once a week.  We may not make it to all the classes, as it falls on the same day that we do other things, but I’m looking forward to garnering good ideas from it when we are able to go.
  • More hands-on work with science, since this is M’s favorite thing. 
• In regards to blogging:
  • More posts about faith-related activities for preschoolers.
  • Posts about depression, especially post-partum depression – there’s a lot of good writing out there about this, and I’m sure I don’t have anything new to add to the conversation, but it’s just something I want to do as it seems there’s a lot of misunderstanding and lack of knowledge among people in my personal life.  It’s another “I’ll write it all out so I know how to explain it out loud” kind of thing.
  • A series of posts about homeschooling books I’ve read – there are 3 very good ones, in particular, that I want to make notes about.
• And, finally, after all of this, I want to work on an opportunity that has presented itself to make a little $$ from home, while working on something I love… again, it’s a matter of working out a time for this and scheduling it in.  I’ll keep you all informed about this as any progress is made, because it may be beneficial to a lot of homeschool mamas. :)

Whew.

Any plans on your part for the new year?  I’d love to hear about them!

I hope your 2011 is off to a wonderful start and that all your dreams for the year will come true. :)

Have a beautiful day! :)

Birthday Reflections (a downer post, which gets better towards the end, if you make it that far) :)

My birthday was this week.  I’m 38 years old.  Ack!  38?!  How did that sneak up on me so quickly??  Ah well, 40 is the new 30 you know, so no worries.   You didn’t know that?  Well, now you do because I just said so! :)  Sometimes it really comes in handy to be a mom who can say, “because I said so”, doesn’t it? ;)

I had some time to myself the day before my birthday and I was thankful to have a little time to reflect.  Introverted me always gets super-introverted on the eve of a milestone.  Seriously, I used to LOVE spending New Year’s Eve alone in a room lit with candles, just thinking, or sometimes journaling about the past year and wondering about the year to come.  Can anyone be more nerdy/anti-social than that?

I began thinking about this past year, and other than the passing away of my grandmother, it felt like a relatively uneventful year.  I accomplished pretty much NOTHING. 

The thought struck me that there are quite a few things I regret about the past year – not being on top of tasks; not being a perfect, patient, gentle, loving mommy; not being the world’s best wife (not by a long shot, let me tell you); etc.  I could make a very long list, but I will spare you.  The point is, I was focusing on what I’m not, and seeing very little good in what I am or have done this past year.

As I thought about how I’ve spent my time, I kept returning to the fact that a disproportionate amount of time has been spent online – blogging, surfing, reading blogs, planning activities for M – you know, all the stuff we do with the internet at our fingertips.  It’s been disproportionate in the sense that there’s not much in real life to show for it.  There’s a little. But not enough to justify the amount of time spent on it.  Or so I thought.

As I began thinking about blogging and the role it plays in my life (you know this is not the first time I’ve thought this whole thing over – it seems like I’m always needing a “break”, doesn’t it?), I began to think that maybe I don’t really like having a blog.  Maybe I don’t like rehashing every little thing we do; maybe I don’t like the time spent wondering if anyone is going to comment and tell me they just love my ideas and are going to use them (because the first time I got a comment like that I was immediately addicted to it and wanted more).  Maybe I don’t really like spending so much time thinking about myself.  Maybe that leads to a lot of time wasted instead of a lot of time… not wasted.  Maybe, just maybe I could be a better mommy, a better wife, a better me if I just got over myself!

And then I started down the path of “has blogging had any impact for good in my life?”  I’m talking here about blogging in the early childhood, mama, homeschool community of bloggers. 

And of course, there’s a lot of truth in that paragraph above about spending too much time navel-gazing.  But thankfully there’s more to it than just that.  If I can sort through the bad, I see that there’s some good mixed in there too. 

And it comes down to this: my view of motherhood has changed simply by the fact that I’ve immersed myself into this community of bloggers.  My view of motherhood has changed because all of you have changed my heart.  I no longer think in terms of “when this phase of M being such a needy child ends, I will finally have my life back.”  I’ve come to view motherhood as being my life, my role in life in this season of my life. 

The purpose of my life at this point in time is to raise my child (and children, if we are blessed with more – ahem, are You listening, God? Time’s a-wasting!) and love my husband (who, thankfully, is pretty loveable).  There’s something very liberating about viewing my role as a mother this way.  Maybe it’s partly the sense of peace that comes from having a definite purpose in life that I can know and direct my efforts toward.  But it’s more than that.  It’s an end to the struggle of finding that elusive “balance” between meeting the needs of my family and meeting my own needs.  One doesn’t exclude the other.  If I never saw raising my child as the purpose of my life (at this time) it would be easy for me to put my attention on other things, never really letting it rest on him and his well-being, his education, his faith, his behavior. 

If I never had this realization (and I’m sure many of you are rolling your eyes, wondering why I’m only now getting it), I’d still be trying to make myself happy.  I’d still be searching “out there” for fulfillment.  You know – the way I spent all my time before having a baby – happily living for myself. 

Oh wait… was I really all that happy back then, living and working and doing everything for myself?  I distinctly remember years of unhappiness in the midst of all that self-centeredness, because I wanted a baby so badly and then lost babies through miscarriages and grieved and then went back to trying and then… well, you get the idea.  I wasn’t very happy, not really.  Not until a little blonde boy came along and made me Mama.

Now, I don’t want it to sound like M is my life (well, ok, I probably can’t fool you in regards to that); but let me make it clear that I don’t want this sense of his development being my “purpose” to create any pressure or stress for him.  That’s not what I’m talking about here.  I’m talking about a change that has occurred within myself,;, a change of perspective, I guess.  And I owe so much of it to you wonderful mama bloggers who take the time to write about your busy lives, and inspire the world simply by sharing your joy and love of being Mama.  Thank you for that.

It’s the same joy and love I felt when I was handed this on the morning of my birthday:

“Mommy happy birthday”

Have a beautiful day! :)