Part one of this post is here.
Socialization in Preschool
What exactly do people mean when they say preschool is good (or even necessary) for socialization? Honestly, it’s something I’ve had a hard time understanding.
My best guess is that people who speak of preschool as being necessary for socialization actually mean something like this:
- preschool can help the child learn to get along with other children (sharing, taking turns, manners, etc).
- preschool will give the child an environment in which to make friends his own age.
- preschool can help the child get ready for formal schooling in a classroom setting.
I think that everyone who has encouraged us to send M to preschool has good intentions. All of these people care about him on some level. I feel I need to take their concerns and look at them, not just dismiss them, in the spirit of maintaining healthy, caring, and peaceful relationships.
Let’s get the third reason out of the way first. Since I tend to think that the older a child is, and the more developmentally ready he is, the better he’ll be able to learn in a classroom setting, I don’t give a lot of weight to this particular argument. Also, with 13 years of school ahead of him, most likely he’s got time to figure all that out, if necessary. Also, most preschool classrooms are very different from the classroom of a higher grade, as they should be. I agree that it’s important for a child to learn to respect authority figures other than his parents, but this can be achieved in many other ways.
Now, in regards to learning social skills and making friends…
It seems to me that the best way to learn social skills is to have parents who are good role models and who make the time and effort to teach their child the kind of behavior that will best equip him for healthy relationships in the future.
Why the parents? Simply because parents are the people most important to the child; their opinion matters most to him; from them he gets (or should get) the nurturing his body and mind and soul crave, which helps develop his confidence and a sense of his self-worth. And this is exactly what he’ll take with him into the “real world” where he will have to get along with others, and form friendships, and know how to behave in a variety of situations.
Doesn’t it seem that, as adults, we often find ourselves looking to other people in our lives to meet some need we feel? Quite often it seems (to me) that need stems from something that was lacking in our childhood. For example, children who were abandoned or always in fear of abandonment, still fear it in adulthood and can place unrealistic expectations on another person, hoping that this person will finally make them feel safe. That’s an extreme example to make a point, but I think the principle plays out in other, less dramatic, ways also. It’s hard to overestimate the value of developing a good, secure, relationship between parents and children. And it’s something we can’t rush along. And “attachment” isn’t a bad thing at 4 or 5 years old.
As M’s mother, I am in a position to stay on top of behavior issues with him – I can remind him a hundred times a day (and I think there have been days like that!) that he needs to share and take turns and develop a caring heart towards others. I can take him with me to the store, the post office, church, playgroups, etc. and show him by my example how to be polite and mannerly. I can take him with me to pick out toys for less fortunate children; donate diapers and formula for new babies; or take him to visit elderly people on a Meals on Wheels route, all the while teaching him about the respect we owe to each person, and the inherent dignity of each human being regardless of where they live or what their abilities are.
By talking to him one-on-one about these things, I’m able to discern his growth in these areas of true “socialization”, answer questions he may have, and help him develop a greater understanding of what we, as a family, hold valuable. I would not, for the world, give up the amazingly deep conversations about these things that we sometimes have. For the record, I know that doing these things would still be important if he went to preschool. But finding time for them would be much more difficult!
So, it would seem to me that it’s better and more do-able to socialize a child out in the “real world” during normal day to day life with mom and dad, rather than in a preschool.
However, parents are people, and as such have strengths and weaknesses, and can not be all things to all children. Many parents have strengths in areas where I am definitely weak (healthful cooking; rough playing, especially with boys; etc). For some families, preschool meets a need and is great.
But one of the areas in which I have done well has been making sure we have ample opportunities to learn and socialize outside of our home. (I actually feel that we are too busy sometimes, and try to limit our days away from home to no more than 3 per week, not including weekends).
I’ve been thinking about the social skills that M already has – he’s polite (most of the time, hee hee), truly cares about others, knows how to share and take turns, can carry on conversations with anyone of any age, plays well with other children (provided there are not too many other children… this is something I’ll talk about in my next post, in regards to the socialization of a shy child), and is developing a sense of responsibility in his every day life. By my standards, he has great social skills for a 4 year old!
In addition to the activities mentioned in an earlier paragraph, we have 1 to 2 playgroup meetings per week, as well as one-on-one play dates quite often (he does have a few friends!), a nature center class each week, a music class most weeks, frequent outings to indoor playgrounds in the winter and parks in the summer, and weekly trips to the library. Add to this lots of time with mom and dad at home, as well as seeing cousins and grandparents most weekends, and you’ve got a pretty well-rounded and happy kid.
Preschool can be fun, there’s no doubt about it. It can provide a lot of wonderful, stimulating ideas and activities. Many children love preschool! I am not trying to bash preschool, and I sure hope it doesn’t seem like that’s my point here. I know wonderful, wonderful preschool teachers who are doing great jobs. I hope that throughout M’s life he has teachers (regardless of grade) like Deborah over at Teach Preschool, who wrote this very encouraging post (it’s well worth reading!). The problem I have is the apparent confusion between socializing and socialization. Socializing with children of the same age is not the same as teaching the child good social skills. In fact, I’ve seen and heard of situations where the opposite effect has occurred – being around a large group of children for a while or on a regular basis can cause a child to pick up attitudes and phrases and all kinds of things that we definitely do not consider good social skills!
Maybe my opinions on this subject stem from my own experiences in school – throughout all of my school years, I clearly remember being told that I was there to learn, “not to socialize”. ;) (I’m a “talker”, as you can see by the length of this post!) Remember, the family is the most basic building block of society. If a child does not learn social skills and how to be a good friend from his family first, most likely no school will be able to do the job later on.
Whew – that’s enough for now. I want to talk about shyness and socialization in my next post on this subject. I promise it won’t be this long!
Your comments are always welcome!
Have a beautiful day! :)